Thoughts on Tantra

01

Do you know that: when you have sex you get together with another person basically on a "DNA" level. It is as if you download a database of your sexual partner, a database of his/her life (bad and good things, healthy and unhealthy things) and this information will stay in your body and your psyche forever.

So, before you get into sexual contact with someone you should ask yourself serious questions. These questions are:

1. Is it safe and healthy for me and my sexual partner to have sex, physically, emotionally and     mentally?
2. Do I really care about her/him and does she/he care about me?
3. Will I and my sexual partner gain from this sex encounter more feelings of self respect, confidence     and independence?
4. Would I or my sexual partner regret about this moment of sex, feel guilty or hurt?
If your answerers are "yes", "yes","yes","no" then you are going to have healthy sex. Both partners will exchange a positive database. Otherwise, I am sorry for being so hard in words, you are going to damage yourself and your partner.

02

A relationship can become ill. It is just like a body which can get ill if it has a lot of stress, dissatisfaction and because of old age. A relationship has its own "old age", but not by the numbers of years it has lived but by the numbers of years when the relationship was a routine, nothing fresh and developing was happening.

The "body" of the relationship is the Spirit of Love. When the Spirit of Love stopped growing the relationship becomes static for a while but then becomes "old" - "deaf", "shortsighted", non-sensitive, nonflexible, just like a body of an old man.

The couple has lost communication between each other, just like an old man loses communication with the outside world. Each partner is centered only within himself/herself. And then the moment comes when the relationship dies.

03

Our body is given to us to express love. Sexual contact based on trigger points (erogenous zones) leads always to emptiness because body sensations are limited. Sexual contact based on the mutual expression of love, on sharing the pleasure of being with each other, on nurturing each other's body by gentle, loving, artistic, relaxing, empowering by flow of energy touch, has no limitations.

04

I worked today with a couple.

E-mail from the husband:

...thank you for your great kindness and wisdom, the teaching. and the wonderful surroundings, my wife and I experienced today.

We both feel so relaxed and I feel close to my wife. I haven't really ever felt anything like that before..

And I have in consequence a tiny little story to tell you which is quite revealing about that sense of relaxation and about tantric energy. I really know nothing about such matters except what you explained to us today. But I feel I've been granted some insight about which I'm sure you will smile knowingly. It seems to confirm so much of what you believe in.

As you know we left home at 9.00 this morning and while traveling to you (on 3 different trains and over lunch until 13.45) I was trying to do a crossword puzzle in "The Times". I was missing quite a lot of clues - most of which depended on one 13 letter word in the form:

M????????ME?T

I must have studied that pattern of letters for over 4 hours (truly) and just couldn't "see" or "analyze" any English word that would fit that pattern. My wife also could not help me with this.

Traveling back I of course could not think about the crossword for a long time. But the journey was long. My wife got a little nap, so I looked at the crossword again and the word simply floated off the page and hit me between the eyes. Of course, it was MALADJUSTMENT (which may have it's own inner meaning about my state of mind up to then - a concept I just couldn't see).

And having got that word I solved the whole puzzle within about 2 minutes

I am convinced that when we share loving energy is has the effect of heightening the perceptions and creating a relaxed state of mind which allows us to "see" in seconds what we had missed to see for years.

This thought really astonished me. I feel that many problems my wife and I had been wrestling with for many years of our life together was solved so easily after you put me in the right mental energy state.. The story with the crossword may seem a trivial anecdote... but... I promise you that the experience of meeting you affected me very powerfully...

05

Women and men have to develop a sense of pleasure and beauty of making love just like they develop a sense of pleasure in creating a beautiful garden. Tantra is not about thrill and excitement. Even if it is about powerful energies a man and a woman share during lovemaking, it is in the first place about powerful deep connection between two people. People care about flowers in the garden every day, with patience and not because of one moment of high excitement. The same is Tantric lovemaking. Your body and the body of your lover, your soul and soul of your lover, are "gardens". Look after them, care with gentility, patience and love and you will see beautiful "flowers" every day. There is no need for orgasm. Watching the beauty, experiencing the beauty this is what the garden is for.

06

Chopin... Listen to Nocturnes, valses, ... Nocturne in E flat major, Valse N1 in A flat major, nocturne in B flat minor... For me Chopin is a Tantric composer! Put a CD with his music in the CD player and listen. Your heart will melt, your body would relax, your soul would deepen in the sense of love. Listen to Chopin in your bedroom. Stand both naked embracing each other near the bed and listen. Let your whole body become light like air, let your hands become soft and gentle like wings of a butterfly, let your energies become warm and flowing towards each other. Dance! Dance in your heart, but relax your body. Listen to Chopin and absorb tangible sounds vibrating the room. Vibrate. Become these sounds while lying down in the bed, holding each other. These vibrations are orgasms, orgasms of love. Open yourself to them and happiness will not end...

07

While Tantric Lovemaking your hands become your eyes, your ears, your brain. Your hands can read everything by touching your lover, your hands can pass everything via the touch. When people make love they should become like blind people, hypersensitive. A blind person reacts on every slightest sound, on every slightest move around him. His hands, but not his eyes, recognize people. Such with lovers. Hands should know everything about the beloved person: every little curve of the body, every little sigh of breath. Lovers need eyes only to be able to look straight into each other's soul while looking into each other's eyes. This is how they become Tantric Lovers.

08

There is only one way of developing sense of love and connection during lovemaking: total relaxation and peace in the brain.

09

When a husband and wife stop making love they stop being a hasband and wife. They are married just on paper, just by bank accounts or house deals. They are not married any more as a man and a woman. They lost connection, which was there in the first place when they desided to give each other love and energy of a male and female. They think that they just stoped having sex. They do not realise that sex is the deepest way of showing your appriciation and making your partner feel a dearest part of your life. How a man and a woman can express these feelings of care and devotion to each other? By buying things for each othe? By going on holidays together? By having children? No. Only by making love.

10

A woman is the one who, in most cases of braking sexual connection, tries to avoid having sex with the husband. Why? Most husbands answer this question: "She is just not tactile, as I am" or "She is not sexy, but she loves me". It is a good explanation, because it suits both to avoid painful and embarassing talk about the female body, which is not happy, which does not feel pleasure and so avoids a male touch in order to avoid any conflict. The thing is the conflict is still there and will always be there unless the couple desides to be honest and to learn how to treat each other's bodies well. All women are tactile. Even supertactile. All women are sexy but not in a "cheap slutty way" but in a deep sensual way. Most men cannot reach this level of sensuality to be able to touch a woman's body in a way when she feels safe, relaxed, comfortable, cosy and then arroused. She is always rushed and forced into actions which often, starting from arrousal, turn into irritation and tiedness, espesially when a woman gets older. How old? When she becomes more wise, more confident in her feminine beauty, when she becomes a mother and when she opens in her soul deep sence of love to her family. She loves her husband that's why she does not want to play games in "sexy babs", she wants to feel a beautiful sensual touch...

11

The only touch which can radiate love is the human touch. It should always radiate love. Sexuality is a special gift to human beings which no other living creature possesses. This gift is to express and receive love. Sexuality is like thousands of wires which can connect one human being to another. What all those wires would transmit depends on our thoughts, emotions and feelings. Also what we transmit we will get in return.

12

We all know from school that the human body is 70% of water. The human brain is 85% of water. Water is a very flexible substance which can flow everywhere. Being soft, water can be so powerful that it can crush a stone. Recent scientific research also shows that water has memory. Water reflects the world around and records the information about it by building special structures or shapes of molecules. Water knows what is good and what is bad for the human being's soul. For example, the music of Mozart creates a structure which looks like beautiful stars, but the structure of water after playing hard rock music looks like a place after disaster, because hard rock music contains the sense of aggression. While having sex we pass the information we contain as the water to our partner and we record the information back from our partner. If we have love and gratitude in our hearts we heal ourselves and our partner, if we are just going to satisfy our sexual desire we damage our water and the water of our partner. What is sexual desire? It is instinct which has no beauty or spirit, which can be even cruel. Any animal has sexual instinct. Ability to develop into loving spirit is given only to human being. Human sexuality has a potential to develop into divinity. A lot of people cannot distinguish instinct from love, otherwise there would be no jealousy or sexual unsatisfaction in the world. Real love is unconditional.

13

In reality, this world is the world of physical abuse over a woman. Even if a man feels love to a woman, feels gentility in the heart, he actually hurts her body when it comes to touching her at the moment of sexual arousal. A woman can’t stop him from this. Also it is very difficult for her to explain to him afterwards how he should touch her body.

He should touch her body as if it were the body of a baby. And vagina needs to be touched as if it were the body of a butterfly.

Men are complaining that women became aggressive or neurotic, or depressive. Aggression is often the reaction of abuse. A woman is often forced to play the game which I can call “A man who wants to give me pleasure”. Why she is often pretending or, if she loves her man, why she stands all discomfort, dissatisfaction and even pain for a long time? Why? Because she wants peace in the relationship. She knows that most men can’t bare the truth of her dissatisfaction because of their pride. Most men never understand why their relationships came to an end. They talk about all sorts of reasons why women got nasty and irritable, why sex life died, but they never try to understand the female body. They change from one women to another and have the same stories. And when they are lucky and meet a woman who is open enough to talk about her female sexuality, they are surprised at what she reveals to them. “My ex-wife loved this! And ex-girlfriend did not complain!” – those men try to justify their inadvertently wrong touch to the female body. Those men were misled by earlier partners because a lot of modern women have killed real sexuality and sensitivity in themselves, because they do not want emotional pain and so they develop quick orgasm, they became like a man. They want sex just like a man, they do not know how to love any more.

Love is tangible, love is meditation, love is total control and total connection. How a man can feel connected to a woman if he hurts her body?
- I was so much connected to you! I was so relaxed! You was so gentle! I felt so much love from you! – said a woman to her man.
- Really! I did not feel any connection to you… Your vagina was too soft and I could not feel any arousal…hardly could sustain it for you…
This is typical. This puts women in despair. This makes them nervous and aggressive. Because by nature they do not search for just pleasure. By nature they do not want just orgasms. They long for love and connection. The physical form of that love is dissolving in each other, penis in vagina, the heart in another heart, meditation, minimum of movements, trance, just breathing together, fire of energy from mouth to mouth. Women want orgasm in the heart not in the vagina. If today most women are different it is because men made them like this, men who did not learn how to control their sexual energy, who did not develop softness and gentleness in their bodies.

14

There is no circumstance when Tantric sex is not appropriate. It is the same as saying that "calm breathing is not appropriate". "Calm breathing" this is what Tantric sex is. This is why it can be practiced by anybody, including the old or ill. Tantric sex is a state beyond the body. In Tantric sex sensations in the body are like fuel for a rocket which, when it takes the rocket into orbit, is not required any more.
Tantric sex does not deny, or require you to stop, any other form of sexual expression, as you can mix, combine or adopt them.
When people get older their sexual practices, whatever it is, become more and more difficult. Love between an older couple excludes physical contact more and more, even though they are close and devoted to each other. Their relationship exists more for comfort and companionship rather than for the magical feeling of body-soul connection. Tantric sex maintains this connection forever.

15

What is expansion of consciousness during Tantric lovemaking?
It is when Consciousness is “watching” the incredible act of giving, the giving of yourself, totally and endlessly. Consciousness is amused by this act of giving, and also amused by the host, the person who is devoted to this act, who is devoted to other person’s consciousness. It is when Consciousness has no doubt that this act of giving will last for eternity, it is forever, that nothing could change it or stop it. It is similar to the act of giving yourself to the service of God, to the ritual of appreciation of God. Such are two lovers: the sexual act becomes an act of devotion and sacred service to each other. When two have known such an act of devotion there are no other men or women in the world for those two. As there is only one God for a religious person, there is only one man and one woman for the couple who have expanded their consciousness during lovemaking.

16

The male body is like the nature of a dog in its best way. A dog is alaways ready to jump and run to catch the ball or stick. It wants to do this over and over again. A man is always ready to participate in sex to "catch" the orgasm. It is the biological perpouse of his sexuality. A dog is happy with any touch from his owner and not "fussy" about whether this touch is rough or quick, the dog does not mind any touch from the human it loves. So a man is always happy to recieve any touch from the woman he loves and no touch would be uncomfortable, rough or dissapointing for his body if his woman is touching him with love.

The female body is like the nature of a cat. A cat is not ready to do anything. A cat has its own unpredictable life rythm when it jumps or catches the bird when it wants to. It comes and walkes around the owner's leg rubbing it when she wants to be touched, it turns over on its back when it enjoys touch and runs away when it doesn't. It always requieres a certain type of stroke, soft and gentle. No one owner can ever force or initiate a cat to do any service, like it is with a dog. The woman's body is the same.

Every owner eventually gets to know his cat's preferences and behaviour and treats it as required. Every man needs to learn about his female partner's body reflexes and reactions and develop techniques which will help the woman to relax. The first step for a man to this is to relax himself.

Woman is this "loving and caring owner of the dog" who can help a man to relax and who at the beginning can bring his powerful energy forcing over her body down by massaging him, by nurturing his body, by showing a loving and caring attitude as she would have towards a baby.

17

We are reflections of each other. We need to learn how to stay still. Otherwise we see only wrinkles on the surface instead of a beautiful reflection of our beloved one.

18

From the phone conversation

- ...I am not happy as a woman. I can’t open up to my partner. I just not feel that I am a woman. I feel tense, I feel terrible, not happy. We are together for 4 years. We have split up once. We came back together. We need each other. We love each other. I badly want him…I want to be close to him. But I feel unhappy. I feel lonely. I feel not as I want to feel. And he feels very bad. Because he wants me to be happy. I feel that something is wrong with me but I do not know what is wrong. And he feels that something is wrong with him. But what? He is very romantic, very nice man. I want to be with him but I do not know how. We both want to be together but we do not know how. I never thought that physical side can be so difficult. We both want everything to be nice between us so much! We want everything to be beautiful and magical between us. But it’s not. I do not feel magical…I can't say what it is…I am so delicate! Yes, I am so delicate...I do not want to lose him. I am afraid I will never find anybody like him. But this physical side…I feel unhappy and I feel fear...

- All women are delicate. Not only you. All women are delicate if they are loving, caring, deeply feeling love women. Women are gentle by definition, by nature, so delicate. They do not really want what men want. This is the whole problem. Difference between men and women. Women are not sexy as a society presents: “A great woman is a sexy woman.” Great woman is a loving woman, gentle woman. AND DELICATE WOMAN.

19

We don't love each other because of sex. But, when sex is unfulfilling it upsets us enormously. Unfulfilling sex it is not only when we do not have orgasm or when we do not get enough sex, it is also when we escape sex, fearing or nervous about our sexual performance or when we do not feel during the sex what we want to feel, emotionally or physically. A loving relationship where unfulfilling sex happens has constant torture: the soul desires connection with another soul which rises the desire of uniting physically with another person, but fear paralyses any ability to express or receive love in a sexual way.

20

Think about the fact that the human body is 70% water. Think about Tantra which means "waving". Think about ice which is water but it is hard, can't wave, only if it will melt into soft running water. Think about touch of one body to another. Very often people have sex like two bricks of ice crashing into each other. They create noise and a lot of sparkly dust which will stay in the air for a while, but all of this will disappear in a second. If such people could only learn how to melt into each other, how to make their bodies into warm streams and wave in unison they would create an ocean of love. Oceans live millions of years...

21

About "push-pull". The vagina becomes sensual only when it becomes soft like melted butter. Often pushing and pulling of the penis causes streching of the vaginal skin and irritates it or even causes pain. How a man can avoid forcing the vagina but just "melt" it? He just has to learn how to feel that his penis is gently sliding into the vagina, with no effort, not really pushing and that his penis freely slides out the vagina without pulling. "Push-pull" is really not the right explanation of lovemaking technique. "Slide in-slide out" is better.

22

Grief... Somebody from the close family has died. Most couples would avoid sexual contact for many days or even months after the tragedy has happened. They would let sad emotions dominate over their life and over their love. "How is it possible to have sex, when the grief is there?" - a lot of people would think, "It is not the right moment for sex!"

Sexual contact is mainly considered as an expression of happiness, energy, love in its best "sunny moments". Sex is mostly presented as fun, excitement, play, joy. Orgasms are considered as a result of such pleasant timing, pleasant stimulations of body parts and sensors creating arousal. But, pity that people hardly ever discover during their life the healing and therapeutic power of human sexuality. At the time of grief the couple can become the best therapist for each other using sexual energy as a fire that heats the "body water" and evaporates the sadness. Sensual and sexual contact between a man and a woman when both are in emotional pain is like a counselor who speaks a different language, subconscious language, loving and comforting physical language. Reflexes of our body influence our emotions. We give cuddles to our children when they are sad or unhappy. We can give special sexual "cuddles" to each other when we are sad. When we start to change our moods on the physical level we bring changes to out psychology. If the couple know how to relax each other and then how to start having sensual and sexual contact, bringing into it a means of supporting each other, sharing grief together, empowering each other's energy for life (life has to continue despite our grief!), the couple can open a huge source of relief at this difficult time for both of them. Their sexuality would become the healer which can be more potent then that of a psychiatrist or counselor operating on a logical level which mostly refers to the brain. Emotions are in the heart. The brain can do nothing about them. Sexual energy which rises from the body but flows through the heart (if people learn Tantric sexuality) creates a stream which can clean away "heavy" emotions and replace them with positive, optimistic ones. The event of the tragedy cannot be changer. But, the attitude to the tragedy can be changed. Healing sexuality can change the attitude to the tragedy, can bring acceptance and open the way out of sadness.

If sadness takes place over too long a time and closes the door to each other's world of physical love it could be difficult to restore sexual connection again. It could even change the relationship of the couple forever. Do not stop touching each other in a sensual and sexual way in the time of grief, do not let your grief cause you to both grow apart, do share your love and your grief in Tantric lovemaking.

23

About Tantric relationship

Life is a moment, happiness is within, though connection with others has a dramatic influence on that happiness. We have to connection to others only to radiate love, respect, care and gentility from our side to psycho-physical bodies (PPB) of others and to create the state of harmony and happiness for both. But others often try to put us in brackets, restrict our freedom of our expression or to transmit to our PPB ideas or energies we do not want. It upsets our state of harmony and happiness. Our happiness is radiation of energy into universe. So, what we radiate is our responsibility. We should not blame others for trying to influence us because it is natural for human being to try to possess something he or she likes or loves. But our own responsibility is to protect our identity and our PPB from that influence. Very often people follow cliché of what relationship is about and how to relate. They demand things calling them responsibility, devotion, honesty, faithfulness when they actually use, abuse and control other people's lives and energies. And they never enjoy the moment! So they are never really happy! They miss all the beauty and all the magic! And of course they never create that magic! They wait when it will come to them from the...nowhere...
If we always create our connection to others in a beautiful way, just like we create music, listening attentively every sound of it, expressing everything we feel and think honestly and openly, bad or good, and reacting not in a form of opposition but in a form of synchronisation we always can have a beautiful relationship.